Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Church Jokes



I read about a man who had been hired to paint a church building. He wanted to make the water-based paint go a long way, so he thinned it more than he should have. After a rain, the paint job looked shoddy. It did not hold up. So, the minister called the painter in and said, “Man, you made a mess of that paint job and we expect you to make it right.”
“What can I do to make it right?” the man asked. Without missing a beat, the minister said, “Repaint and thin no more.”
That same minister had come to the part in the Sunday service for praise reports and prayer requests. Having glanced at a note left on the pulpit, he announced, “How wonderful! Mr. Jones of Main Street is 111 years old. We certainly want to wish him a happy birthday.” A lady in the congregation raised her hand and said, “I left that note. It says Mr. Jones of Main Street is ill. He needs our prayers.” Well, I guess “ill” looks like “111.”
That same congregation had bought a new carpet for the sanctuary on credit and they were raising money to pay off the loan. During the announcements, the minister said, “As you can see, we have a beautiful new carpet installed here in the church building. We are raising money to defray expenses involved in its procurement. If you wish to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.”
There were two items in the bulletin that Sunday that amused some of the congregation. One was this: “The young adult Sunday school class will sponsor a bonfire next Saturday evening. Please bring your own hotdogs and guns and everyone will have a great and lively time.” The other one was this: “Next Sunday, being Easter Sunday, Mrs. Smith will lay an egg on the altar.”
I had a minister one time when I was a kid that had the reputation of the town’s worst driver. Most folks in our town got out of the way when they saw him coming. I noticed that he always drove a Dodge. I asked him why he drove a Dodge all the time. He replied, “Because a warning is printed right across the front of the car—Dodge—so no accident will be my fault. Traffic was warned of my approach.”
Finally, I heard that a new minister had just arrived in town and was told he was to officiate at a funeral that was taking place right away. He did not know where the cemetery was in this town and did not know who to ask, so he drove around until he saw some men digging solemnly. He got out of his car and performed the funeral service right there. As he drove away, one of the men who had been digging said, “I have been installing septic tanks for 30 years and I have never witnessed anything like that.” (Some of this material came from a book called Chicken Soup for the Soul and some from Internet sources).

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