Thursday, May 30, 2013

Big Foot Job Reference

As most of you know, I grew up with the Sasquatch down in the bottoms around Fouke, Arkansas. We became friends after I got lost at age four and wandered into her lair.  She greeted me kindly. It was as if she was entertaining an angel. She kept me warm all night, fed me some potato chips and Kool-Aid and directed me back to our pasture, keeping herself out of sight. My family was glad to see me come stumbling into the back door but I smelled very bad. I told them I had spent the night with the creature, but they put that up to the rich imagination of a toddler. There was a lot of big foot talk in those days.

But I would sneak back off down in there to her territory often and we had some great visits. She always had root beer and popcorn or chips. She ate grubs, too, but I didn’t want any. She did convince me to eat some Catawba worms, and they are not bad—needed salt, though. She taught me her language, a series of pops, grunts and moans that sounded like passionate preaching from a distance. Her language sounded very ancient and it came from the heart.

Anyway, I have not seen her for years, but we are Facebook friends and, since English wouldn’t work, she has figured out how to put the Russian alphabet to her utterances, so I have been busy studying Russian, a fascinating and expressive language with a most interesting alphabet. I got a FB message from her last night. I will translate it into English for you here: “Dear Danny, I have the possibility of getting a job in Oil City. Woodrow Dunwoody, owner of Queen Clean carwash at 124 Elm is looking for a novelty figure to coax automobiles into his establishment, you know, advertise. I met Woody while he was duck hunting out beyond the creek and he said he would like to hire me but needed a reference. So, old friend, would you mind writing a letter of reference for me? I need the money right now since my nephew is moving to the Pacific Northwest to marry one of our kind up there and I have been depending on him to bring me stuff.”

I immediately wrote my big footed friend back, assuring her I would write Mr. Dunwoody. Here is what I wrote: “Dear Mr. Dunwoody, The Fouke Monster has been a friend of mine all my life, so I know enough about her character and work ethic to give a good letter of recommendation. She is creative, jovial, kind and her perspicacity will strike you immediately. I feel certain that she will attract a lot of cars to your establishment. One negative, her personal hygiene is not up to human standards, so you may want to run her through the car wash before she begins her duties. If I can be of further assistance, don’t hesitate to call on me.”

I’ll let y’all know if she gets the job.

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